- Josh Elias | March 7th, 2020
I’m neither Laverne nor Shirley, but one thing I can tell you is I’m about to make all your dreams come true.
Did I do it right, Johnnie, is referencing 70’s sitcoms the best way to start a pitch to write for your multi-trillion-dollar LLC?
(Ed: Sure. I don’t even care. This was your idea and if it doesn’t pan out I’ll just fire you. Also, multi-trillion? At least make it believable, you decomposing deer carcass of a man.)
The coal industry is quickly dying and seems impossible to revive, and what else could be a more welcoming opportunity to recently unemployed Rust Belt-based manly men with long-forgotten dreams of pulling a “Rudy” with Notre Dame than a place where you can weave frilly prose about the spluttering shortcomings of the Cleveland Browns and are so thoroughly cherished that you can easily be unforgivingly replaced with a cartoon bear in the middle of an article?
Don’t get mad at me, it’s a better solution than Hillary Clinton had, and she almost became President.
Let me double down on that. Writing for The Scorecrow will make all of your dreams come true. It did for me, and in a short time, I’ve gone from a random sports dude on the internet to a professional random sports dude on the internet who’s also qualified to be a future President of the United States.
At The Scorecrow, we’re like a family, and I don’t mean the sort of dysfunctional family with a missing father and a creepy uncle.
To be fair, I don’t mean a functional family either. More like the sort of family you’d find in a Hollywood movie with an entirely Italian-American cast.
The sort of family full of surnames that can be mixed up with types of cheese, such as Fanelli, Babbini, and Ricotta. Oh, wait, Ricotta’s actually just a type of cheese. Joey, you have a lot to answer for.
By far the best part of writing here, though, is the interaction with our loyal fans. Here are some examples of some of the constructive observations we’ve received which I’ve personally taken to heart the most:
“I feel less intelligent for reading this and am sad I will never get that 5 seconds back. Hang it up pal – you look dumber by the second.”
“You’re dumb as fuck. You realize people are laughing at you, right?”
“Fucking idiots like this guy have to make up fake arguments because they don’t ever listen to what other people say.”
“You are a fucking retard. How in the hell did you EVER get press credentials?”
“Lmao fuck this article and this pussy-ass writer.”
Oh well, at least Jeff Risdon and Mike Kaye like our name.
It is. Sounds like a hardcore rock band that only covers team fight songs.
— Mike Kaye (@mike_e_kaye) March 6, 2020
Click this link to change your life and become either one small step closer or one giant leap further from the person you desperately want – no, need – to be.
See y’all after our next board meeting.
Follow Josh Elias on Twitter @thejelias
Main Image Credit: Embed from Getty Images